Saturday, April 28, 2012

Good luck me, and everybody else.

I like my job but I dislike having to keep my brain in a space where I can be social five days a week. My train of thought goes something like this: "Oh man! Work? Again? Five days a week? Who does that? Talking to people? Yeah I mean that sounds fun but, I was really just going to think about rocks and draw pictures and compulsively run up hills until I can't speak or do anything but look at you like a total crazy person you know....I guess I'll hold off. Ahem."

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


So I need more trees in my life. BUT I live in the suburbs so instead I'm woken up by someone chainsawing down some more trees outside my window at nine in the god damn morning.
The last time I had this problem I was staying in the girls dormitory at the state fair in SYRACUSE. A place where one would fully expect fucked shit to be going on at all times.
Anyway I'm listening to these uptight motherfuckers chainsawing down the last attempt at privacy between our two houses. Chainsawing some unassuming tree/bush that must have mortally offended them in some way. -AHHH there's nature in my lawn! WTF how did that get there!? Didn't we already pay day laborers to make sure this didn't happen! AHH!! Let's get out the chainsaw!! IMMEDIATELY.-
Suddenly I realize oh my gosh, I actually live here. This is my life, this is actually happening. This isn't just some pretend life, or some kind of test run where next time I WON'T have someone chainsawing outside my window.  This, this is actually where I live. FUUU

Current population density = facepalm

I'm going to find where I can look out and see mostly trees and I will go to there. It better be less than an hour away. Sheesh.


I almost fell out of my chair. Just now.
I'm just sitting here, in a room, by myself...completely still... falling over.
What is wrong with my brain!?

Where'd you get those bruises? 
Oh you know, sitting.
Yeah, it went horribly wrong and I ended up getting hit by my chair. Don't worry about it.

Monday, March 5, 2012


It was spring time today. Like the first warm bright ridiculous day of the year. Woah.
I don't understand why people buy the things in Ikea when they already have it set up in the store, for free. It's much cheaper to just go hang out in there. Also unlike home they ALWAYS have fro-yo. And it is delicious. Creepy (greater than or equal to) delicious.
I'm doing an air humping dance right now.
I went to work pretty late in the day so I had way too much time to get riled up beforehand.
I am not wearing pants.
I should go to work...
I should run ten blocks and get Mexican food!
I feel great!
I don't think this outfit meets work dress code.
I'm at work!
I cleaned everything!
I made a really good post work cappuccino!
I told everyone about it!
I told everyone about it even though no one cares!
Running is faster than walking and therefore superior!
I'm going to the goth club!
I'm staring at everyone! MERCILLESLY.
I'm distracted now and just staring at scaffolding and bridges.
I want to shave off everyones mustache!
I'm texting people on the east coast to try and get them on board with this spring time action, even though it's actully snowing there...and four in the morning! Fail!
I'm going to hump the air some more!

Brain Candy

Maybe I can switch modes now? I am a robot designed for survival!
I have a job, and a house.
We finished moving.
We have toothpaste and real utensils not made of compostable plastic. Maybe now I can live my life.
I'll like, do stuff. Sometimes I work. Some days it's dark. I work alon- ahem. . .
I'll do things, and sometimes go to work, and then immediately get back to doing things instead of making sure I know where to buy stamps. This could be exciting.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

I just want to be comfortable all the time

I was thinking that the obvious solution to I-town weather is to constantly carry around a lightweight backpack full of every different kind of weather gear.
This idea accidentally solidified into a plan in my head until I realized how immediately awkward it would be to change your clothes in the street every half hour.
Huh! It's raining! Hang on! ZIPPPP SHWOOP ZIIP ZURRP ZIPP
There we go!
Uh oh...Looks like a snow thunderstorm is brewing, here we go again!
. . . .

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

We finished moving last night

Me: Really? Everything? We've finally moved everything?
Jen: Yeah! Really! Well...Except for the dead cactus.
Me: Oh. Right.
Jen & Me: How are we going to move that without it indiscriminately dropping it's invisible surprisingly painful quills all over everything?
Me: Maybe we should sneak up on it with a box. It'll never see it coming.
Jen: No. I'm prepared to move it with just newspaper.
Me: Woah. 
Jen: I'll cover the car in newspaper, and you can drive it home. Carefully.
Me: Ok, but I'm going to voo doo for some doughnuts first.
Jen: Good. Bring me some.

Ok, Me in the car. Me and cactus... Me and cactus going to get some doughnuts.
Cruising, eating donuts with cactus on a Tuesday night.

Feeling strangely awkward with a cactus in my passenger seat.

*Driving in silence, eating a doughnut*
*Driving in silence, eating a doughnut, nervously staring at the cactus*
...Um...Want some doughnut, cactus?
Yeah, I guess that 's not your thing. I'll just keep driving then.
Oh hey! There's that new restaurant I've been wanting to try! Want to stop and check it out cactus!?
Oh...You're right cactus. We should just go home.
...Sure you don't want some doughnuts?

Get home, hand the cactus back over to Jen. Awkward car time with cactus is now over.


(I miss you cactus)

Thursday, February 23, 2012


UV Cake
Hair gel
Cinnamon gum
More pirate clothes


txt msg

I'm currently ritualistically transcribing my old saved text messages because phone storage capacity is stuck in the 1950's. However I've only gotten halfway through and had to take a break to say YOU ARE ALL SO AWESOME I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU EVEN HANDLE YOURSELVES.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

So this happened

Does this mean that in order for the universe to balance out a table will actually try to stab me tomorrow?

Monday, February 13, 2012


So being a job haver is still pretty great. Now I'm focusing on being a real human/ making sure my life functions like awesome. Good luck, me!
(I can speak English however I want.)

Friday, February 3, 2012


Well sickness, at long last we meet again.
Guess I'll just have to lay on my couch/bed/apartment and watch the entire live action Tick series again.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


It "snowed" yesterday. Lame.
So in acceptance of my fate I woke up this grey morning and bundled up.
After gathering up my courage I stepped outside with a familiar sense of dread.
Immediately a stiff breeze hits my face.
I brace for the face ripping impact... . . . .
ooor a warm breeze caressing my face.

Proceed to stripping in the middle of the street. YES.
(It's the only appropriate reaction.)

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

And...yep still

Yeah, still too excited. I'M EATING MY SALAD WITH A KNIFE.
Not only is this going to be awesome, and totally something I feel like doing I'm going to get PAID.
And then- eventually- I'll have an actual day off. Like a really for real one. Not a guilt ridden checking craigslist every five minutes stalking places all the time anyway day off.
An actual ENTIRE day off.
I could take a day trip to LA!
I could cruise around with some bitches!
I could do whatever I want!
This is definitely what life is like.




I have a job! I get to be a person again!
I get to wield my crazy at the general populous again-- for money!
Also note to self: don't look for a job during the holidays ever again.

(Now all I need is a Lincoln and some bitches!)

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Hanging out with Jen all the time is still awesome.
e.g. Spontaneous take over of club Fez including ignoring everyone and dancing until to the point of almost injuring each other. Next time we won't stop there.

Today wasn't a complete and crushing failure!

Yay! I feel so happy.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Follow Up

Anyway the end of that story is I of course actually did go out today and did all the job stuff, and it was uneventful as usual. But still I feel like I'm in a really good place with stuff and have thought about everything a lot so that's nice. But after you've been banging your head against a wall long enough, and absolutely nothing happens- like there's not even a scuff. You'd think the wall would have the decency to like at least have a scratch or some chipped paint by now but really, nothin'. It's just frustrating no matter what. Also on my way home I got some free bread from this totally awesome fancy bakery, like a whole loaf, totally randomly. Because it's P-land. AND there were some trees flowering downtown....But whatever pfffft.


Mission objective: Go out and follow up on a resume I dropped
What actually happened: I stayed home, ate ice cream, and cried for two hours


Okay so I just downloaded some speech to text dictation software and I'm gonna try using that from now on. We'll see if it works, either way It's bound to get weird in here.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Stupid Stupidness

Just like every day, I'm headed out to apply to some jobs but there's a special one today.
A position that requires 2+ years experience, accounting knowledge a plus, a resume AND cover letter to be dropped off in person.
The position is: One month temporary cashier at a pavilion in the mall selling fancy valentine's candy.
I'm not expecting a call back.
I'm going to murder things.


I bought some new jeans. Thank you Portland clearance racks.
I'm also blogging about it as if this needs to be shared. I decree my life is fascinating and this is a notable event for me and therefore everyone else!

Ahem, back to my story/point:
The end.

I'm pleased because this means I own more than two pairs of pants, AND am now unmistakeably classy, right?
If this starts being all the rage amongst homeless people next week I'm going to be hella pissed.

Note to self: Next time don't get distracted by the hot asian chick in the store and compulsively buy whatever she's wearing.


So, the thing about P-land is that like anywhere else there are many things that make it uniquely frustrating and obnoxious as fuck. However, UN-like just anywhere there's always things right there to prevent me from possibly feeling upset about it.
No matter what in P-land right when you need it most it's there for you with something awesome. Here's a quick list off the top of my head:

Strippers and hot chocolate
-Enough said

Gigantic delicious $5 burritos in every neighborhood
-You can feasible survive off one of these per day. Beans&rice + ? FTW.
-Bonus points if you find a tamale lady wandering around with a cooler.

Voo Doo Donuts - Just existing in all it's creepy 24 hr neon-ness
-It's comforting like a psychotic friend that never goes to sleep and doesn't have decaf. (AKA everyone I know?)

Whatever material possesion you want sitting on the sidewalk
-Seriously it's like an unofficial free-cycle system that somehow works

Whatever clothing you want for $7 or less
- Good Will and clearance racks at all the department stores- hell yeah.
-Thank you for aiding me in my ever present mission of not acting or looking like a homeless person.

- This is a given but god damn

The predictable
-This weather is AWESOME. One outfit, all the time, all day, all night, no problem.  Would you like a giant cheap nutritionally balance sustainable burrito with that?
Go forth! Wander the streets for 15 hours at a time without fear of it simultaneously having an abomination orgy of a ice/typhoon/heat wave/face rape/poof.

The unexpected
-I guess I'll run out of new places to explore eventually, (and be stuck with all the awesome I already know about) but if I'm out long enough there's always something awesome for that moment that I didn't know about.
Examples forthcoming!:
Oh, random neighborhood guess this is where my favorite hummus is headquartered why yes I will have some free hummus and the best hot chocolate ever. 
Random cafe at 1 AM in the middle of nowhere - why yes random awesome dude thank you for noticing me walk in and secretly making a necklace for me while I have my coffee and somehow still not being creepy.
Why yes awesome book about castles that is exactly what I wanted, cheap, and -get this- ONE I HAD NEVER HEARD OF.
Why yes stone wall in the middle of downtown with an accomplished pointe ballerina dancing on it for no reason on a holiday when the city is practically abandoned.
The nickel arcade, second run movie theaters advertising and screening shit that some countries wouldn't even allow in like it ain't a problem- right next to a kids store, etc. etc. 

And this is really just a glimpse of some of the things I find awesome here -which it oughta be considering the amazing shit tarded pile of bearded tentacle fucking pretentious depressing disgusting hitler fucking a republican goat god damn awful mess with a bird on it that, as is always the way, is also in the mix.
 Amen. I'm going to watch Sgt. Frog.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


A shocking number of people here have noticeably P-land demeanor and characteristics. Everybody, old ladies, young hipsters, middle aged people with thick accents-how is there this common thread between these people? Really though, you just boated over from east wherever the fuck, landed here, and suddenly seem like a p-land person? The other thing is, these characteristics are so distinctly uncommon everywhere else.
I'm sure these things are true in I-town too, but this seems different.

I see people in I-town all the time walking down the street clearly in a different reality than I am. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way like these people are self centered or oblivious, just clearly experiencing differently. Effortlessly maintaining their own version of reality.
Often times I'll get the distinct impression that someone hasn't completely figured out they're no longer in -whatever- Shang Hai, the mid west, anything, and the amazing thing is -in I-town- it seems to work for them. I mean really, the Dalai Lama hangs out way up on south hill with the giant Tibetan woodwork, as though that reality fits there as well.

In P-land people seem to share a more collective reality which I guess makes sense but I find it surprising. Also a little uncomfortable, I hate admitting how strongly people are effected by their surroundings.

To be fair I-town does have a lot of mood swings, I guess it is a little bit of most everything. However this characteristic leaves me seeing I-town as more some talented poseur with an intense personality disorder and ADD rather than a lush complete reality composed of my own picks of everything.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I never stopped getting lost in the parking lot of my old job. One month. One entire month and I still just can't tell one part of the parking lot from another. It's just not worth it.
At least I'm no longer in a position where people ask me where to find things in the store. I mean seriously.
I would quickly and very sincerely express to people that I have no idea, I am currently wasting their time, and there is no hope of that changing.
Not only will I never know, I also am the one who wants absolutely nothing out of this interaction. Good luck while I stare at you and wait for that to all sink in. I'm just thinking about rocks right now.


So yeah I got out here all gung ho ready to find a job, immediately did, realized this was a terrible idea, quit, and went in search of a job instead of socially acceptable slavery. Because thankfully, until I'm entirely out of money and there are no woods to live in that is not happening, totally over it. Anyway. Looking for a JOB. Big focus for me, not interesting to talk about, doin' it anyway.

So what to do on the days when I'm not job hunting? Well mine as well not spend money, easiest way to do that is to stay home, I'll just stay home and obsessively learn and think and read about everything for days on end and it will work out great right? RIGHT???? While I feel great about it, that apparently does not help my social skills. I'm comfortable with my role as most awkward person in the country but I am not currently going for most awkward person IN THE WORLD. Holy crap. Mainly because my livelihood depends on it.

I'm unemployed, I do what I want!

Okay, I think I stopped posting once I started feeling HORRIBLY DISCOURAGED and then excited again, and then repeat. This process was paired with very comfortably settling in to being socially reclusive.
It seemed pointless to document a repetetive cycle even though there are fun and interesting adventures along the way. However, I feel like it, even though it's boring and everything is stupid. Anyone bothering to read this blog from here on out has been warned.
I'm unemployed I do what I want!!

Ok so here I am, and on weekdays I somehow try to come out of this ridiculous lifestyle to go job hunting. I emerge for the day, crazy eyed already, muster up the desire to talk to anyone by drinking lots of espresso, and try to speak to another human being in hopes of a job. Clearly this working out great. Fuck me. I've almost started practicing my social skills with homeless people on the bus.