Sunday, December 11, 2011

Winter studies

So, it's finally too cold to be outside casually.
It's December and I'm actually a bit too cold.
Wait- hold up, I bought a scarf.
Ok we're good, false alarm people!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Ok so. This is a topic that in general is permanently talked out, but I feel it needs to be said again.

Hitting on people is inherently awkward.
ESPECIALLY if you're trying to be polite.
I'm sick of people who take every opportunity to instead of just being a person, be a person who is hitting on people.
Awkwardly saying something like "you're pretty" or "you're beautiful" or any other dumb shit is not, not, not, pleasant. At all. Unless the person is just expressing their genuine opinion to be nice and leaves it at that. Also being incredibly suave never hurt anybody.

OK breakdown: You're complimenting me because you want something, you often think you want a girlfriend. What you really want is to maybe have sex with a total stranger/acquaintance! And if that's not what you want then why are you acting like it!
Anyway, I feel dating itself is a FLAWED system.
Sure, hang out with single people, make a point to find single people, do your thing if you're looking for somebody, it makes sense however...
Setting up a situation with someone you don't know, or barely know where regardless of what either party wants, you will both inevitably consider "am I going to have sex with person?" (or something along those lines) is AWKWARD AS SHIT.
Being on a date implies possible physical intimacy. Possible physical intimacy with someone you don't know. Sitting across from someone you're trying to get to know, with that in mind, is unpleasant! AND almost the worst possible way to get to know someone. It's like deliberately handicapping yourselves. No good will come of this. So why do people keep trying to deliberately set up this retarded situation completely unsolicited!

Then there's just hooking up, which is totally different. You already have the information you need, and there's no reason to have some awkward as shit pre-interaction about it. In that scenario it's just a fun surprise if people happen to like each other, Fine. Whatever. But this "you're pretty" bulllshit has got to end!
As Tuff Man put it, Message me if: "You have a pulse, and enough brain cells to compose a message to me that is longer than a tweet! Seriously, why are you guys sending me messages that are only like 4 words?! At least try!"

Also, all too frequently the approach from the man side is to constantly be vying for the lady attention, and as soon as they get any hint of maybe lady attention it's all "oooh lady!" and that immediately kills it because it sets up the afore mentioned situation of "I haven't hung out with you but maybe we should have sex, except it's not a hook up" What?!? If you want a hook up, ask for/ find a hook up. If you want a "date" just stop. Spend less time being desperate and put that energy towards being awesome! Damn!
Anyway...Um....Right. On to my main point. All too often the man side is set up to act like charity cases, y'all are not charity cases! Don't act like it! Don't let anybody treat you like it. I almost wonder if straight men think since their not attracted to men no one else will be either?? What is going on here? Y'all would have it going on if you just acted like it! And stop setting up creepy maybe sex interviews when you actually just want a lady!
Also if you really are just feeling desperate, and it's preventing you from getting your charming on, the sex industry here is thriving, there's a strip club on like every corner, and they have hot chocolate. Go there, CALM YOUR SHIT.
Don't just walk around complimenting women. Jackasses.


I quit my job.

Beard score

Tonight I realised, in my head I rate places here by their "beard score".

I think this is self explanatory.

Specifics: the scale is from 1 through 10, the higher the score, the less I like the place.
Now just to clarify, it's not anything specifically against beards, it's just a good indication of hipster density.

The place I went tonight had a definite high score, 7 maybe 8.
Touted as a funk soul club, not so.
Oh no they're playing a mellow jam version of a metal song I used to like AND obviously still believing themselves to be funk.
I'm so afraid they're going to break out into a drum circle solo.
I'll just retreat to this corner. Oh no, that person has a beard score of 13!!
This is like beard score alley!
That's not even possible by the rules of my own arbitrary scale!!
He just raised the beard score of this entire place 1 whole point!
I wish I was in a dive bar full of angry old men.
That guy doesn't even have a beard and he's raising the beard score!
I gotta get out of here!

At which point I proceeded to pretend to hippy dance until I got out far enough to break into a run, and go home.
Overall I call it a successful evening.
Apparently I'm not ready to be in public yet.

Friday, November 18, 2011


Yeah, work training was busy. Fell behind a little on life.
Jen had a day off and as I went to work she proclaimed "I'm gonna do all the errand things today!"
So yeah, I get home nine hours later or whatever to a beautifully cleaned and "winter" proofed house.


Oh yeah

So yeah, a week after I got here I got a job!
I work for a corporation. I talk to probably one hundred people a day.
This is excellent for my studies!!
They even gave me a shirt, it's incredibly effective at helping me be undercover.
This is deeply deeply strange.
I'm getting so much information I wanted!

So Halloween Happened...

Walking to Beth's to commence being way too excited about Halloween.
Ran into Jen on the way, she was biking around wearing her ghost costume making noises at people.

There's randomly fresh raspberry buttermilk cake at Beth's. Of course.
Everyone in the city was in costume it seemed, yeah Portland! None of the costumes were good, boo. Way to care more about having fun than obsessively crafting a costume like a crazy person PORTLAND. PFFT.
Jen and I walked a few blocks down to check out the giant (expensive) Halloween party in the warehouse-y area. We didn't want to go in, but we did stand for a long time in this narrow space behind the outdoor stage and listen to the bass.

(Technically I was a rabbit, and Jen was a ghost, but Jen says we really went as "bad at Halloween". Success.)

More nature, mostly about stones.

Fast forward 2 weeks, Jen & I went to the Japanese gardens together. Pretty neat, but uh I realised not as good as the ones in Japan....I'm a dick. BUT they had a remarkable amount of different styles of stonework, or different  bits of the same stonework that were clearly done by different people. I loved it, and ran all around. Jen sat in the pebble rock zen garden the whole time, then practised walking without bending her knees.


I need some more nature! Portland is a small city but nonetheless totally a city to me... So this conversation happened:
ME: "Jen! Let's go to the nature, see what NW fall is all about!"
JEN: "Oh, have you been to the Fred Meyer parking lot?"

Friday, October 28, 2011

What about this!?

I went to the west side today (where the city part is) to see what was going on.
I found a physical version of my favorite art supply website, who knew.
Jen and I wandered around while I exclaimed about everything.
Also yelling as we walked by every building "Jen! Maybe we should get a place THERE".
Then I tried to convince Jen to sneak into the opera until we got kicked out like riff raff.
There was no opera happening tonight though, so I ended up going to Safeway and carrying a giant frozen pizza and my new roll of artist paper home on the bus.
The pizza box I was hugging kept getting crumpled and trying to open on the bus.
I also listened to some people commiserate about social services and single parenting.
Maybe THIS is what being in a city is like.

                           (The pizza is cut in half because it wouldn't fit in our tiny oven.)


Sorry Portland

I hate biking here.
I will have none of it.

Maybe this?

Where's the nearest electronics store?
12 minutes north? Cool.
I guess I'll dress up, drive Jen's sporty car, and listen to Lady Gaga, you know, like a city person?
Looks like I'm here.
Woah, there's the Ikea.
AND an international airport.
AND the biggest fucking Best Buy I've ever seen.
OK international airport Ikea Best buy super mall, I'll just act normal.
Wandering around, this sure is a giant Best Buy.
Good thing there's this endless stream of knowledgeable hot guys here to help.
Cool, got what I needed without having to mail order.
Guess I'll drive home.
Maybe this is what city people do??

What do people do in cities?

I don't know!
Could be anything!
Maybe they live crazy city lives that don't exist anywhere else!
I gotta go find out.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Because I need to

I will find all the people in this city, and I will steal their secrets.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I never would have guessed

So, I woke up this morning with my laptop still on me from writing cover letters the night before.
I Immediately resumed being a way too intense job getting person.
At some point I looked up long enough to remember food and showering exist. I proceeded to loudly knock over things in the kitchen, thinking nothing of it until Jen sleepily yells "what- what is going on over there?".

Um, nothin'?

I thought about it for a second and responded - "Actually I guess I'm really dizzy."
That's weird. Am I still that jet lagged? Am I too disoriented from all the things? Have I been too intensely job hunting and staring at computers to remember how to eat without knocking shit over?
While lost in thought Jen interjects "Oh. Are you sure you're not hung over?"
Oh. Right. Maybe that too.

Why is this still in my brain

Honey badger don't give a shiit.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Job Hunting

I feel almost sassy enough to convince someone to give me a job.
Putting some thought into how to come off as sane enough.
Got some good sleep.
Getting my game face ready.
Putting on eye makeup- SYMMETRICALLY.
This will work out.

he looks crazy to me

(i am credible)

-<3 Murder


I Can't Stop Thinking About This


In the words of Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky:


Jet Lag

It is currently sometime between 9 in the morning and 4 in the afternoon, it depends on where I am and I'm not totally sure.

Oregon is weird

So, in Oregon you have to get a "food handlers license" to be around other people's food.
This involves reading a handbook and taking an online test.
I will now quote to you one of the ACTUAL test questions:

"The best way to help an adult who is choking is to grab their shoulders from behind and shake real hard."
(please select true or false)