Tonight I realised, in my head I rate places here by their "beard score".
I think this is self explanatory.
Specifics: the scale is from 1 through 10, the higher the score, the less I like the place.
Now just to clarify, it's not anything specifically against beards, it's just a good indication of hipster density.
The place I went tonight had a definite high score, 7 maybe 8.
Touted as a funk soul club, not so.
Oh no they're playing a mellow jam version of a metal song I used to like AND obviously still believing themselves to be funk.
I'm so afraid they're going to break out into a drum circle solo.
I'll just retreat to this corner. Oh no, that person has a beard score of 13!!
This is like beard score alley!
That's not even possible by the rules of my own arbitrary scale!!
He just raised the beard score of this entire place 1 whole point!
I wish I was in a dive bar full of angry old men.
That guy doesn't even have a beard and he's raising the beard score!
I gotta get out of here!
At which point I proceeded to pretend to hippy dance until I got out far enough to break into a run, and go home.
Overall I call it a successful evening.
Apparently I'm not ready to be in public yet.