I just want to be comfortable all the time

I was thinking that the obvious solution to I-town weather is to constantly carry around a lightweight backpack full of every different kind of weather gear.
This idea accidentally solidified into a plan in my head until I realized how immediately awkward it would be to change your clothes in the street every half hour.
Huh! It's raining! Hang on! ZIPPPP SHWOOP ZIIP ZURRP ZIPP
There we go!
Uh oh...Looks like a snow thunderstorm is brewing, here we go again!
. . . .

We finished moving last night

Me: Really? Everything? We've finally moved everything?

Jen: Yeah! Really! Well...Except for the dead cactus.

Me: Oh. Right.

Jen & Me: How are we going to move that without it indiscriminately dropping it's invisible surprisingly painful quills all over everything?

Me: Maybe we should sneak up on it with a box. It'll never see it coming.

Jen: No. I'm prepared to move it with just newspaper.

Me: Woah. 

Jen: I'll cover the car in newspaper, and you can drive it home. Carefully.

Me: Ok, but I'm going to voo doo for some doughnuts first.

Jen: Good. Bring me some.

Ok, Me in the car. Me and cactus... Me and cactus going to get some doughnuts.

Cruising, eating donuts with cactus on a Tuesday night.

Feeling strangely awkward with a cactus in my passenger seat.

*Driving in silence, eating a doughnut*
*Driving in silence, eating a doughnut, nervously staring at the cactus*

...Um...Want some doughnut, cactus?
Yeah, I guess that 's not your thing. I'll just keep driving then.

Oh hey! There's that new restaurant I've been wanting to try! Want to stop and check it out cactus!?

Oh...You're right cactus. We should just go home.

...Sure you don't want some doughnuts?

Get home, hand the cactus back over to Jen. Awkward car time with cactus is now over.

TERRIBLE PICTURE INCOMING:

(I miss you cactus)

List

THINGS NEEDED IMMEDIATELY:
UV Cake
Hair gel
Cinnamon gum
More pirate clothes

SUCCESS

txt msg

I'm currently ritualistically transcribing my old saved text messages because phone storage capacity is stuck in the 1950's. However I've only gotten halfway through and had to take a break to say YOU ARE ALL SO AWESOME I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU EVEN HANDLE YOURSELVES.

So this happened

I WAITED ON 70+ PEOPLE TODAY AND NONE OF THEM WERE MEAN TO ME!!!
Does this mean that in order for the universe to balance out a table will actually try to stab me tomorrow?

MOVING SUCCESS!

Update

So being a job haver is still pretty great. Now I'm focusing on being a real human/ making sure my life functions like awesome. Good luck, me!
(I can speak English however I want.)